Ah…the smell of sweet, sweet Spring is finally here. The snow has melted, the birds are chirping and soon there will be little baby animals frolicking through the forest as well as the whores stumbling down the streets. If you don’t live in climate that experiences winter and you have never seen the whores come out from hibernation, it’s an amazing sight. Now you might wonder what I mean by this but if you live in the Midwest, you have experienced this but might not have known what you were seeing. Let me tell you the wondrous story of the hibernation of whores:
Once upon a time on some far away college campus, it was always cold and the ground was covered with snow and ice. The women would bundle in their North Face jackets and Uggs and adorn themselves with weird infinity scarf things and no mittens or hats. They were covered and warm and there never once was an accidental cooter or Ta Ta sighting. But then one fateful morning, the sun came out and warmed the cold land and the women no longer had to wear their poofy coats or overpriced moon boots and they thought to themselves, “Now that it is warm, what ever shall I wear?” And, alas, their came a great dawning where one women exclaimed to herself, “Since it is now sunny and warm, I can wear skirts shorter than the pockets and tube tops exposing my belly button piecing!” She put on her clothes and in amazement other’s had followed her lead. They walked down the streets in their mini skirts and cleavage shirts proudly proclaiming that Spring had finally come and they no longer had to be bundled up. And so each year, as winter comes to an end and that first oddly too warm day for the season comes, people go out and watch these annoying creatures as they emerge from hiding and try to flirt with the young men of society.
Ah, yes, now you know what I am speaking of. You have seen them. I know you have and they live all over the upper Midwest. It’s an amazing thing to witness. I can’t quite explaining how sunshine and warmth makes someone who during the Winter would wear a turtleneck feel the need to wear that awful sliver shiny dress with that stops just short of the HaHa and the plunging neck line ends right above that same HaHa to the grocery store. However, the worst part of this is that it just does not afflict the young thin human ladies. Nope, ladies of ALL sizes and ages seem to feel the need to wear hardly anything and this causes panic for some when exposed to a nice muffin top or an 80-year-old women in a halter top, however just close your eyes and the sight will pass or simply cross the street. This works for any size or age whore.
I have to admit, I have fallen under the Springtime Whore spell but luckily caught myself before it was too late and realized what was happening to me. The sight of my sorry self in a belly shirt is enough to make someone vomit all over themselves and this self-realization allows me to judge those who do feel the need to wear no undies and then decided they are forgot how to get out of a car in a skirt.
So ladies of the world, please remember that just because it is warm outside there are things that should be covered up when in public, including but not limited to: your lady bits, humps, lumps, junk in the trunk and jugs. If you know someone who has fallen under the curse tell her to come read this so she knows that everyone can see her vag and someone has probably taken a video of you stumbling around in the bar and you are probably on YouTube so your children can find it in 10 years and ask why they can’t be a hot mess like you.
I have a very scary thing to advise to the world. There is a condition overtaking some, if not most, of the population. Symptoms include but are not limited to: poor grammar, always asking stupid questions, making ill-informed statements and constantly wondering why it seems like everyone is laughing at your expense. Yes, it is true; stupidity is taking over the world. It’s scary to think that people afflicted with this condition generally look just like the intelligent people of the world. Sit down for a moment and think of those around you that have these symptoms and you will be amazed at the morons around you.
Please, don’t get me wrong. There are some delightfully wonderful morons out there. I even have some that I would call dear friends. These are the friends that call you at all hours of the night with questions like:
“I’m not sure where I am. Can you come pick me up?”
“I met someone who knows you, but they couldn’t remember your name.”
And my all time favorite question:
“Can you pay for this? I forgot my credit card and only have cash.”
Yes, these are all real questions that have been posed to me and, with love; I explained to them the simple error of their ways.
“How can I pick you up if you don’t know where you are?”
“Do you remember their name?”
“I believe they still accept cash at most gas stations”
I do adore my moron friends. They are darling people, very confused, but enchanting all the same and you need people like this in your life to feel better about your intelligence.
And then there are the evil and horrible morons that sneak into your life and you have no control over where and how they enter your world: Coworkers, family members, the general public. These are all points of entry that can cause angry and frustration in your life. You know the people who I’m talking about.
I work with a girl who I wonder everyday how she actually found someone to marry her and then breed with her to create a mini army of morons that might also one day breed with another human and begin taking over the world. You wonder how someone who can never remember a password, can not remember simple tasks, and the worst off all the symptoms of this annoying condition, constantly talks to herself about nothing important at all. I believe the Stupids talk to themselves because they forget that there are other people around them. Public situations are very confusing.
My question to the world is: Am I the only one that has noticed that morons are taking over the world? I am not talking about politicians or celebrities. Both are just assumed. I am talking about the little worker bee’s of the world. I am convinced that there are so many smart and talented people out of work because the companies of the world can hose the morons with low salaries and silly perks. (We won’t provide health insurance but here’s a free health club membership. It’s just like health insurance but better (wink, wink).)
I think it’s time for people to take a stand against these evil morons teaching our children (you know your child has seen their teacher on Facebook taking body shots with quotes like “SPRING BREAK!!!! I hope none of my students see this!!!”), corporate morons leading our industries, and those in general public that try to Rollerblade through McDonald’s drive thru when all you really want is a nice shamrock shake for breakfast. Please band together with me to make snide remarks to the evil morons in your life. Trust me, they will never catch on that the remark was towards them so you should be safe but if you get fired, punched or shot, don’t blame me.