Ah…the smell of sweet, sweet Spring is finally here. The snow has melted, the birds are chirping and soon there will be little baby animals frolicking through the forest as well as the whores stumbling down the streets. If you don’t live in climate that experiences winter and you have never seen the whores come out from hibernation, it’s an amazing sight. Now you might wonder what I mean by this but if you live in the Midwest, you have experienced this but might not have known what you were seeing. Let me tell you the wondrous story of the hibernation of whores:
Once upon a time on some far away college campus, it was always cold and the ground was covered with snow and ice. The women would bundle in their North Face jackets and Uggs and adorn themselves with weird infinity scarf things and no mittens or hats. They were covered and warm and there never once was an accidental cooter or Ta Ta sighting. But then one fateful morning, the sun came out and warmed the cold land and the women no longer had to wear their poofy coats or overpriced moon boots and they thought to themselves, “Now that it is warm, what ever shall I wear?” And, alas, their came a great dawning where one women exclaimed to herself, “Since it is now sunny and warm, I can wear skirts shorter than the pockets and tube tops exposing my belly button piecing!” She put on her clothes and in amazement other’s had followed her lead. They walked down the streets in their mini skirts and cleavage shirts proudly proclaiming that Spring had finally come and they no longer had to be bundled up. And so each year, as winter comes to an end and that first oddly too warm day for the season comes, people go out and watch these annoying creatures as they emerge from hiding and try to flirt with the young men of society.
Ah, yes, now you know what I am speaking of. You have seen them. I know you have and they live all over the upper Midwest. It’s an amazing thing to witness. I can’t quite explaining how sunshine and warmth makes someone who during the Winter would wear a turtleneck feel the need to wear that awful sliver shiny dress with that stops just short of the HaHa and the plunging neck line ends right above that same HaHa to the grocery store. However, the worst part of this is that it just does not afflict the young thin human ladies. Nope, ladies of ALL sizes and ages seem to feel the need to wear hardly anything and this causes panic for some when exposed to a nice muffin top or an 80-year-old women in a halter top, however just close your eyes and the sight will pass or simply cross the street. This works for any size or age whore.
I have to admit, I have fallen under the Springtime Whore spell but luckily caught myself before it was too late and realized what was happening to me. The sight of my sorry self in a belly shirt is enough to make someone vomit all over themselves and this self-realization allows me to judge those who do feel the need to wear no undies and then decided they are forgot how to get out of a car in a skirt.
So ladies of the world, please remember that just because it is warm outside there are things that should be covered up when in public, including but not limited to: your lady bits, humps, lumps, junk in the trunk and jugs. If you know someone who has fallen under the curse tell her to come read this so she knows that everyone can see her vag and someone has probably taken a video of you stumbling around in the bar and you are probably on YouTube so your children can find it in 10 years and ask why they can’t be a hot mess like you.
I have a very scary thing to advise to the world. There is a condition overtaking some, if not most, of the population. Symptoms include but are not limited to: poor grammar, always asking stupid questions, making ill-informed statements and constantly wondering why it seems like everyone is laughing at your expense. Yes, it is true; stupidity is taking over the world. It’s scary to think that people afflicted with this condition generally look just like the intelligent people of the world. Sit down for a moment and think of those around you that have these symptoms and you will be amazed at the morons around you.
Please, don’t get me wrong. There are some delightfully wonderful morons out there. I even have some that I would call dear friends. These are the friends that call you at all hours of the night with questions like:
“I’m not sure where I am. Can you come pick me up?”
“I met someone who knows you, but they couldn’t remember your name.”
And my all time favorite question:
“Can you pay for this? I forgot my credit card and only have cash.”
Yes, these are all real questions that have been posed to me and, with love; I explained to them the simple error of their ways.
“How can I pick you up if you don’t know where you are?”
“Do you remember their name?”
“I believe they still accept cash at most gas stations”
I do adore my moron friends. They are darling people, very confused, but enchanting all the same and you need people like this in your life to feel better about your intelligence.
And then there are the evil and horrible morons that sneak into your life and you have no control over where and how they enter your world: Coworkers, family members, the general public. These are all points of entry that can cause angry and frustration in your life. You know the people who I’m talking about.
I work with a girl who I wonder everyday how she actually found someone to marry her and then breed with her to create a mini army of morons that might also one day breed with another human and begin taking over the world. You wonder how someone who can never remember a password, can not remember simple tasks, and the worst off all the symptoms of this annoying condition, constantly talks to herself about nothing important at all. I believe the Stupids talk to themselves because they forget that there are other people around them. Public situations are very confusing.
My question to the world is: Am I the only one that has noticed that morons are taking over the world? I am not talking about politicians or celebrities. Both are just assumed. I am talking about the little worker bee’s of the world. I am convinced that there are so many smart and talented people out of work because the companies of the world can hose the morons with low salaries and silly perks. (We won’t provide health insurance but here’s a free health club membership. It’s just like health insurance but better (wink, wink).)
I think it’s time for people to take a stand against these evil morons teaching our children (you know your child has seen their teacher on Facebook taking body shots with quotes like “SPRING BREAK!!!! I hope none of my students see this!!!”), corporate morons leading our industries, and those in general public that try to Rollerblade through McDonald’s drive thru when all you really want is a nice shamrock shake for breakfast. Please band together with me to make snide remarks to the evil morons in your life. Trust me, they will never catch on that the remark was towards them so you should be safe but if you get fired, punched or shot, don’t blame me.
Being part of a sorority is not an easy task. It is a life long commitment but it does have amazing opportunities. Whether you are looking for an international, national or local sorority, each provides specific opportunities but they also provide sisterhood, friendship and scholarship despite the rumors and gossip that your might hear about being part of such an organization.
- Research: Look into the history of the Greek organization you wish to pledge. Learn the history, check out the website and find out if anyone in your family belonged to that particular sorority or fraternity. Legacies are looked at with a special eye. Tradition is key so if your family has history have that member write you a recommendation for membership. Any push is great if you can get it.
- Meet and Greet: On the first night of rush, you’ll go around to each sorority and meet the ladies involved. You want to make sure that you are well presented (think of a job interview but more stylish), show your personality: don’t be shy, ask lots of questions, this a lifetime commitment, so make sure that you are pushing towards an organization that has values and volunteer opportunities that jive with your lifestyle and beliefs. The most important part of pledging or rush is to make sure that you are ready to commit and that you believe in what they are doing.
- Preference: This is where the sororities choose ladies that they believe would fit into their organization and get along with the current members. If you are attending a large university you may be preferred by multiple organizations depending on the Panhellenic council on your campus. Choose the organization that suits you best, even if you are a legacy of a different Greek organization, choose what suits you.
- Initiation: Each organization has a different initiation ritual but each is special and should be taken seriously. Make sure your go into an organization with the idea of lifetime commitment. The ceremony of initiation is special and should be taken seriously.
So if you’re on the fence about joining a Greek organization, think about it, commit and perform at events. You’ll only benefit from it!
There are times in all of our lives that we must sit down and reflect what is good. I have had some humbling moments this week that sent me into a place that I have not been in a long time, a place of reflection. This is the place where you sit down and think to yourself about why good things happen to bad people and vice versa. I know the saying normally goes the other way but I always thought of the saying that way in reference to my own life.
This past week a coworker of mine was severely injured in a car accident while he and 6 other friends were traveling back from Spring Break. They were trapped in the vehicle with their dead friend while firemen cut them out from the wreckage. These are college kids we are talking about and just starting their lives and now they are dealing with the death of a friend and two in the hospital. My coworker is still there but in recovery. This boy is one of the good ones, always smiling and laughing. His smile is one that makes you want to smile. When I heard, it was one of those moments that I sat back and thought, “Not him, really?” because it’s those good people in this world that keep it turning.
Although the accident happened last Sunday and I had heard of the story in passing, I never took the time to read any articles about it and on Thursday I found out the parties involved and I wondered to myself why I didn’t care about these people before. If Lindsay Lohan goes on some coke binger and then jumps off the Empire State Building, I am there online in like 2 seconds but these people from my community were hurt and killed and I didn’t care or take the time out of my life to find out who they were and what had happened. So at that point, my reflection period had begun.
Yesterday I felt like I had hit rock bottom of my reevaluating my life and why bad things happen to good people when I received more disturbing news. My brother-in-law’s nephew had been killed in Afghanistan on Friday evening by a roadside bomb. My mother told me and she was beside herself because my sister had called her yesterday and she was dumbfounded and had nothing to say that was comforting or anything to say at all really. This boy was 20-years-old and a newlywed. He had his whole life in front of him and then he was blown up. It’s sad, really fucking sad, that we let those young ones over there. It’s like shooting a puppy.
And so yesterday morning, my funk started again where you walk about places with that stupid dazed look on your face like you either just stoned or you are thinking deeply about something but I did come to a conclusion and it always reverts to the simple things in life: the memories, the pictures, the good times. Good people don’t just go quietly into the night, they are remembered long after their time and maybe that’s why they pass on so early so that when things seem so bad you can look at those pictures and pull out those memories and laugh a really good belly laugh and remember the good times and remember how good they were too and the lessons they taught you.
And here is where I show my nerdy side (and we all have them, I don’t care what you say you LEGO lover). There is a quote from Lord of the Ring: Two Towers and at my times of reflection I always looked to it to remind me why we are here and it goes a little something like this:Frodo
: I can’t do this, Sam.Sam
: I know. It’s all wrong. By rights we shouldn’t even be here. But we are. It’s like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn’t want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it’s only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn’t. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.Frodo
: What are we holding onto, Sam?Sam
: That there’s some good in this world, Mr. Frodo… and it’s worth fighting for.
So since it is Spring and a time of life, take some time to sit down and think about what you want to be remembered for when your last day comes and take time to read those little stories about those injured or killed in an accident. You don’t want to miss missing on of the good ones in your life.
Babies, rings, houses, weddings. Has anyone noticed that this is all that your friends talk about? They discuss on Facebook, on the phone, in emails, even to themselves in random mumbles?
I am not one of those girls that has any of this on my mind. At one time I did but that faded as the relationship disappeared and my mind has been back on those terms since and I am more than ok with that. So why are there these subsets of women that can’t wait for the lovely I do’s and those women who have little desire for white dresses and life long “happiness”?
I dated a guy for a while who was going through a rough patch and for some reason all he could talk about was happiness. Is happiness only found within a relationship? He seemed to think so and he seemed to think that was the only way I would find happiness as well. I pondered this theory for sometime, this relationship=happiness. I can see where there could be moments of happiness but the laughter, the snuggling and long romantic evenings but then there are the lies, secrets and general crabbiness that we all experience. I’m not sure if relationship=happiness or if relationship=comfort. There’s a difference, you know. It’s comforting knowing someone is there, not happy.
So I pondered this theory for days after we decided that we were better meant as friends then a couple and we set off on our separate ways to find our own means of happiness. He found his relationship and I found that what truly makes me happy is family, friends, and the chance to make my own choices without worrying about another person in my life. There’s lazy Saturday mornings with good books, Sunday brunches with family and friends, Tuesday night walks after work in the park and snuggly Friday nights with a movie, a big bowl of popcorn and big ole fluff ball of a kitty.
So for all those single girls (and guys) out there thinking that a relationship is the only thing that makes them happy, sit down and really think about happiness. A relationship can be part of it, but it is not equivalent to it. Sit down and make a list and you’ll be surprised about the things that truly make you happy, yes, there are those …sigh moments of love but the world has so much more to offer and I am deciding here and now to run right into the middle of it and experience it an open heart and a smile on my face. Cheers to you world, I diving in!
You’ve decided to go on vacation but that’s only the first step in planning an amazing trip. Here are some great steps to help you plan the vacation of a lifetime!Choose a Destination
: When choosing a destination for your vacation, make sure that all parties agree on the destination. Whether it’s a beach trip to Cabo San Lucas, a ski weekend in Breckinridge, or even a girls’ weekend in Las Vegas, it is important to make sure that everyone is in agreement of where you are going on vacation and the intent of the vacation. The vacation could start on a sour note if someone thinks they are going to be lying on a beach
for 5 days when really they will be volunteering the entire time.Accommodations are Key
: Make sure you do your research about where you are going to be staying. There are many sites on the internet that rank hotels. You may want to try such sites as hotels.com or if you are looking for a condo, a good site is homeaway.com. These sites provider user feedback and what is great about that is that you get actual guests opinions about the hotel, motel or condo and not a bias company opinion. However, these companies are great to get an opinion on the hotel, make sure you shop around so that you can get the best price. Some companies may have exclusive deals with specific hotels giving them a better price per room.
Also when choosing accommodations, check to make sure you are getting what you want. If you want an all-inclusive
resort, make sure that the hotel you are looking at offers that package; don’t just assume that since it’s in Mexico or the Dominican that they are automatically all-inclusive resorts. Make sure you check to what is included especially if you are traveling out of the United States since you’ll be out of your comfort zone to begin with. You wouldn’t want to have someone believe that they will be staying in a posh hotel when really they are staying in a hostel.Bundle if Possible
: When you are ready to book your hotel, plane tickets
or rental car, make sure you book them all at one time so you can take advantage of package deals. Many times when you book everything through one site, you’ll get a discounted rate for bundling the entire vacation through that site. Although, the best advice I can give is do your research and shop around. A great site to help you do that is kayak.com, they will show you prices from a variety of vacation planning sites like Orbitz and Priceline, but once you find your flight, hotel or car rental, make sure to go to the actual providers website and check to see if they are offering for cheaper directly through them.BONUS TIP
: If you are just booking plane tickets, look at booking 1-way flights through different airlines. This gives you more choices and possibly better prices and this works especially great if you have a more flexible travel schedule.Plan Ahead and Have Back-Up Plans
: The weather doesn’t always cooperate with your vacation plans so make sure you plan ahead and pack accordingly. Make sure you check out the weather forecasts and do research for activities that you can do indoors in case of inclement weather. Museums, bus tours, indoor water parks, and even visiting historic sites like churches, mansions or castles can be great rainy day activities. So in essence, it is important to be flexible on vacation and have back-up plans just in case Mother Nature decides to rain your parade.Protect Yourself
: When booking your vacation do not solely depend on electronic copies of itineraries, confirmation numbers, and flight information. Print out hard copies to bring a long with you or keep a handwritten account of important information. There may be times when you need your flight or hotel confirmation and you do not have access to the internet to retrieve the information and they are not able to find your flight or hotel booking.
Bring additional identification with you on vacation if available. If you happen to lose your driver’s license while on vacation, good luck being able to board your flight home, so come prepared with state or federal issued ID, military ID, passport, or passport card. That way you can make sure that if you would lose one form of identification you are covered with a backup.
If you are going to be out of the United States and plan on using a debit or credit card, call the provider and inform them that you are going to be out of the country and that suspicious charges may show up during your time away. This just covers you from having your financial institution put a hold on your account leaving you with no way to get any money or charge anything to the account.
These are just some simple tips to make sure that your dream vacation doesn’t turn into a nightmare. As I said previously the key to having a great vacation is to be prepared, be flexible and be informed. Happy Travels!
Well with a new year upon us, many have taken upon a resolution for the new year. Lose weight, eat better, spend more time with the family, and quit drinking….blah, blah, blah. So who came up with all this stupid New Year’s resolution mumbo jumbo? Who else would it be but those crazy Romans and something about some silly mythical king named Janus. (You can read all about it here: http://www.arcamax.com/holiday/s-271163-162757
). As you also have probably noticed if you have watched at least 5 minutes of any television program, the annoying weight loss commercials have over taken the current broadcast schedule causing me to want to poke my eyes out. I’m not sure if that’s what the Romans had in mind when they set this whole resolution thing up but I guess it’s better than thinking, “hmmm, I won’t get thrown to the lions.”
Well I’ve never made one of these silly resolution things because I knew it would be broken in about 2 hours but I thought well now that I am older and have done more stupid things in my life, I might as well try this resolution thing out. So I have decided to take on the task of quit drinking. I have to admit it is a daunting task living in the great state of Wisconsin as most events center around liquor of some sort not matter what the even might be. Painted the garage? Have a beer. Woke up this morning? Here’s a bloody mary. Cold outside? Whiskey it is.
So have jumped on this New Year’s resolution deal not only for health reason but personal sanity as well. I am hoping the sanity comes quickly as it is causing me to want to drink as I find myself turning people down for things such as wine tastings and beer clubs.
Anyways, I haven’t had a drink in 10 days and going strong and have taken the up the hobby of becoming a legit cat lady by knitting with a cat on my lap. Thank God, I have not graduated to watch soap operas but I mean it is a new year so who knows what this crazy world could throw at me.
I am taking this 2011 year by the sober horns and running with it. So if you’ve made the decision to resolve to do something over the year, I salute you and good luck. If you have not, at least try something new during the year…perhaps sushi or ballroom dancing or baking or even video games. It’s a big crazy world out there. Anyway, Happy New Year!
So you’re drunk at a bar and you meet a cute guy/girl and next thing you know you wake up in their and have no idea what their name is… awkward. Welcome to the 20 somethings. So the one night stand has some epic tales, you can read about them on sites like Texts From Last Night
and although the stories are hilarious when they aren’t you, what do you do when you wake up in someone’s bed, have no idea where you are, no idea who is sleeping next to you and are butt ass naked?
Well my sexually active friend, there are many things you can do to try to figure out their name, where you are and where your underwear are as well. Let me enlighten you on some of your options but I will issue a warning, none are easy and some you may get arrested so just keep that in mind.
Just ask: so you may look like a douche but you did just bump nastys with them so you should probably just know their name. Note: phone number is optional
Ask if they remember your name first: This can most definitely backfire on you BUT it can also create win situation on your behave. But be warned… they may ask “well do you know mine?” and if this does occur pull the 5th grade, “I asked you first” trick and they should back down.
Facebook: Oh Face to the Book…the best stalking website ever. Was this rando a friend of a friend? Facebook the friend and most likely you’ll be able to find them. If they happen to be in a class with one of your friends, they just might be their Facebook friend. Or if you happen to just think you remember their name, you might just be able to find them on the Facebook.
Google Talk: Did you get the digits but don’t want to call them for your phone? Google Chat has this amazing feature where you can call from your computer to anywhere in the US for free throughout 2011. The number comes up on caller ID as a California number and when you return the call, it says the call can not completed. Um… perfect. This way you can call and hopefully listen to their voicemail. Just make sure that your microphone is off in case they do answer. You don’t want them to hear you.
Have a friend call: You want to have someone call of the same sex as your rando. Have them ask for someone else and when they say it’s the wrong number, ask them who they are talking to. This method is a surefire way to get their name. Texting is also an option.
So this are just some simple options to find out the name of your one night stand but in the end, if you’re never going to talk to that person again, then who cares what their name is? In the end, don’t be ashamed you don’t remember their name, it happens. Just go with the flow and act natural. You probably won’t even care in about a week anyways. So go out and have fun and if you happen to have the name people, never you fear, just remember these few steps and all will be okay.
There’s a million fish in the sea or that’s how the saying goes but how do you catch the right one for you? You’ve done the bar scene and the online dating thing but you just can’t seem to find someone that you connect with? Well maybe you are looking in the wrong places! Here are#
of unique places to meet potential dating partners:
- Art Openings or Exhibits: You’d be surprised at how many art openings there are in you city even if you live in or near a smaller city. Many art openings attract a lot of college students and young professionals looking for art to purchase or just admiring it. Many openings also include food and wine so if all else fails and you don’t meet anyone you can still enjoy the benefits of the opening.
- Coffee Shop: Bring your computer, a book, or just yourself and indulge in a nice cup of coffee and a muffin. Many singles head to coffee shops just to get out of the house. You should too! Coffee shops are no longer just a place to get a cup of java, many have live entertainment, gourmet food and desserts and free Wi-Fi. If the coffee shop is particularly full that day, find someone you think you might connect with and if they are sitting alone, ask if you can share their table. The worst thing they could say is no.
- Library: Remember those places that have all the books on shelves and you have to be quiet? Well libraries could be a great place to meet someone. See someone holding a book you have read? Tell them what you thought. See someone looking at a magazine you read regularly ask if they saw a particular article or if they read it often. Libraries also hold many events so check out their event calendar for talks, movie nights, and seminars that might interest you.
- Dog Parks and Parks in General: If you have a dog, take it to the park or a dog park. Guys, hear me out, girls love guys with dogs. And ladies, boys love it when a girl has a big slobbery dog. Parks are a great place to meet someone. You could just be out there with a book and a sandwich or doing something more active like running, hiking, or playing disc golf. So get out of the house and hit up your local park or dog park.
- Wine Tasting: Across the country wine bars and specialty wine stores have been springing up and these are great places to meet someone. Many of these places have weekly and/or daily wine tastings. Wine has become very popular in the recent years with the 20 somethings so it’s a great place especially for guys to find that perfect girl. A lot of ladies will have their girl’s nights at wine tastings but don’t let a big group of ladies scare you. Again, if they aren’t interested they will let you know and then just let them be. So find a single friend and drag them along with you and enjoy some wine while possibly meeting the love of your life.
So if you’re fed up with you’re local dating scene go and ahead and try someplace new. Remember don’t be afraid to approach people, you’ll never meet someone if you don’t talk to them, so put your fear and ego aside and go have fun. Dating should be fun so make sure you make it that way.
Writing articles for the Internet can seem like a daunting task. What should I write about? Will anyone read it? Where do I publish it? These questions are simply answered by simply producing your first article. So how do you go about doing that? Here are a few easy tips for you to make sure you are producing quality article content and publishing it in the right place to make sure that it gets read!
- You don’t have to be a professionally trained author: If you think that you shouldn't be writing articles because you don’t have an English degree, well you are wrong. Anyone can produce great articles with quality content. To do this, you should use a program like Microsoft Word that contains auto formatting and a spell check features. These are useful to make sure that any simple spelling or formatting errors will be automatically corrected for you making your content look more professional and makes your article look more creditable. If you have simple spelling or formatting errors, your readers may stop reading your article even if it contains great content.
- Grammar, Grammar, Grammar: If you do write an article, make sure it contains correct grammar. It may seem like a simple idea but it can make or break and article. Let’s look at this a little deeper. If you write the sentence: “I is going to the movie”, technically it makes sense and your reader will know what you are talking about but it makes you sound uneducated and unprofessional. So correct grammar leads to creditability which leads to more readers for your article which is the main purpose of producing the article to begin with.
- Write about what you know: Writing about what you know about or passionate about seems like a no brainer, right? Well you’d be surprised at how many articles have poor content because the author is researching while writing. Your articles should be informative about the topic and you should write about it like you are an expert. Avoid phrases like “I think”, “It could”, “Perhaps”, unless you are giving your opinion. For example, “The dog is brown, I think”, is showing you may not be as knowledgeable you think you are. For this example, you should write the sentence either as “The dog is brown” or “I know the dog is brown.” So in essence, sound like you know what you are writing about (even if you really don’t) by using active language: “I know”, “For fact”, “Surely”.
- DON’T STEAL CONTENT!: Your article should be original and contain unique content that YOU produce. Stealing or spinning content is unethical and should be avoided. If you are using bits and pieces of another’s content, make sure to site where it came from and who it was produced by. For example, if you are using a description of bees from Wikipedia, make sure you say that it came from that source: “According to Wikipedia, bees are flying insects closely related to wasps and ants, and are known for their role in pollination and for producing honey and beeswax.” So in you can use already published content sparingly but make sure you site your source and do not use the entire article.
- Where to publish: You wrote an awesome article and now what do you do with it? Publish it! There are many great places online to publish your articles and all you really need to is to Google “Publish Article” and there will be multiple sites that come up where you publish your article for free. These sites let you link to your website to drive traffic from your article to your website if you do wish to do so.
Writing articles can be a great way to pass on your knowledge, generate traffic to your website and even earn money. So remember that original and informative content that is well written will bring the most readers to your articles. Take your time, pay attention to grammar, formatting and spelling, and write about what you know and once this is done get it out there for your readers!