Ah…the smell of sweet, sweet Spring is finally here.  The snow has melted, the birds are chirping and soon there will be little baby animals frolicking through the forest as well as the whores stumbling down the streets.  If you don’t live in climate that experiences winter and you have never seen the whores come out from hibernation, it’s an amazing sight.  Now you might wonder what I mean by this but if you live in the Midwest, you have experienced this but might not have known what you were seeing.  Let me tell you the wondrous story of the hibernation of whores:

Once upon a time on some far away college campus, it was always cold and the ground was covered with snow and ice.  The women would bundle in their North Face jackets and Uggs and adorn themselves with weird infinity scarf things and no mittens or hats.  They were covered and warm and there never once was an accidental cooter or Ta Ta sighting.  But then one fateful morning, the sun came out and warmed the cold land and the women no longer had to wear their poofy coats or overpriced moon boots and they thought to themselves, “Now that it is warm, what ever shall I wear?”  And, alas, their came a great dawning where one women exclaimed to herself, “Since it is now sunny and warm, I can wear skirts shorter than the pockets and tube tops exposing my belly button piecing!”   She put on her clothes and in amazement other’s had followed her lead.  They walked down the streets in their mini skirts and cleavage shirts proudly proclaiming that Spring had finally come and they no longer had to be bundled up.  And so each year, as winter comes to an end and that first oddly too warm day for the season comes, people go out and watch these annoying creatures as they emerge from hiding and try to flirt with the young men of society.

Ah, yes, now you know what I am speaking of.  You have seen them. I know you have and they live all over the upper Midwest.  It’s an amazing thing to witness.  I can’t quite explaining how sunshine and warmth makes someone who during the Winter would wear a turtleneck feel the need to wear that awful sliver shiny dress with that stops just short of the HaHa and the plunging neck line ends right above that same HaHa to the grocery store.  However, the worst part of this is that it just does not afflict the young thin human ladies.  Nope, ladies of ALL sizes and ages seem to feel the need to wear hardly anything and this causes panic for some when exposed to a nice muffin top or an 80-year-old women in a halter top, however just close your eyes and the sight will pass or simply cross the street.  This works for any size or age whore.

I have to admit, I have fallen under the Springtime Whore spell but luckily caught myself before it was too late and realized what was happening to me.  The sight of my sorry self in a belly shirt is enough to make someone vomit all over themselves and this self-realization allows me to judge those who do feel the need to wear no undies and then decided they are forgot how to get out of a car in a skirt.

So ladies of the world, please remember that just because it is warm outside there are things that should be covered up when in public, including but not limited to: your lady bits, humps, lumps, junk in the trunk and jugs.  If you know someone who has fallen under the curse tell her to come read this so she knows that everyone can see her vag and someone has probably taken a video of you stumbling around in the bar and you are probably on YouTube so your children can find it in 10 years and ask why they can’t be a hot mess like you.

 


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